Only i know.

i remain stoic through the atmosphere you emit, when only i know the seemingly infinite thoughts that revolve and evolve in my head are triggered by that sultry pose you give unknowingly as i can only watch you this way, almost voyeuristic in its manner, because one person cannot hold the amount of pent up emotions i conjure when i am with you, so i start pretending to be calm when only i know that the war i am waging within knows no bounds when i continually try to fight a frown, so i turn away to look at the precious lava lamp that you bought for me to distract my attention and although i thought i was looking at it nonchalantly, i realise i am concentrating quite hard on this inanimate object watching as the the lava that floats ever so smoothly caressing one another as they pass, only reminds me of the times when only i know the smell of your nail polish when you touch my lips to feel me exhale my desperation to confess, but i feel this lamp has been put there only to frustrate me more as even an object, forces my thoughts on you and your sly and sultry ways because even deep breaths cannot undo the knot in my chest and i turn away into the opposite direction of where you are, hoping you will not see this moment when it is increasingly becoming more obvious that i am disturbed by you even when you hardly have said a word to me but i do no want to admit defeat so i open a book and see the words do not make sense to me, i turn it right side up and had a second attempt; and even i do not realise i am staring into the blank space ahead of me which make up the wall of cool blue colour but i know very well that i wanted red but the wall became blue and then i remember the time when we went to get paint to change the outlook of this sanctuary and my mind was already made up; but i bought this cool blue because she looked at this colour smiling at it with her eyes, while gazing upon it faking nonchalance and i know it is fake but you stood there a moment too long and you never fail to amaze me because i am always watching you and the salesperson was tapping my shoulder incessantly and i do not know what he is saying because i think the language is a barrier because he keeps saying that red is an excellent choice and i am carrying the red and she turns to me and she gives me a slight smile from the right corner of her mouth and i want to go outside and scream at the next guy i see that he has it difficult and he thinks that i am crazy but only i know why i want to scream so i close my eyes and i open them to see the cool blue remain and then i lift my left eyebrow to prevent myself from revealing anything else that resides in my mind so i get up and go sit on the lounge chair and i am in her vision but i cannot see her i think and i loll my head and look at the space where a television set should have been and i purse my lips and think about why the space is empty and all i see are many colours coalesced together looking like they had been limited by four black rims at the ends where the clours are abruptly halted but a painting in the middle of the room? i do not understand why it is so colourful and why it is so big and why it is right in front of me and then i see the colour purple and then i realise we were walking down the pavement of a place and i see the words gallery and i am being enclosed by so many paintings and i am standing in the middle of this seemingly infinite space and i only see her standing parallel to a wall and her hair is flowing down the back of her shoulders all wavy and sexy and she tilts her head a little to the right and runs a finger around the upper curve of her right ear and bites her lower lip and i feel like hours have passed and i start trembling in the finger tips and i feel tears down my cheeks and i bury my face into her hair and back and then i am still standing there and she walks over and slides her fingers in between mine and i realise i am trembling and only i know that i wished that moment when she stood there lasted a very long time and i am drilling a screw into the wall and i hang the painting up on the wall but my vision shakes and i am sitting in the lounge chair looking at light refractions and i notice my eyes are wet and i am overwhelmed by many things and i feel so hard at my chest and i want to feel nothing but then i realise that hiding myself from her is useless as i chose to be surrounded by her and i walk over to her and i sit with her and i bury my face into her neck and i hold her hand and i just lay there like that and i always want to lay here like this and i know she smiles because she wipes a tear from my eye with her finger and i don't feel embarrassed at all that i am crying because i would have cried anyway to have her caress my eyelids.

only i know.