Pretend Poet

Just a note.

2012-01-05T23:30:00.001+08:00

Eyebrows can crease
How painful it must be to see a frown;

or how lifting it must feel for the cellist
His high notes meet the frown to ecstasy

How liberating it must feel.

Ten-fold.

2012-01-05T23:24:00.003+08:00

The artist is reveled, his suffering poured into this art.

What of the common Man, his suffering now ten-fold, forever confined to his head?

We forget; do remember.

2012-01-05T23:19:00.000+08:00

We weep and weep
reprieve is not quite near

yet we remember majesty
for the stars though there before
were never seen until man

Wither.

2010-10-29T12:21:00.000+08:00

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing." - Anaïs Nin

Listless

2009-10-16T13:23:00.001+08:00

How fallible, the human will is
How malleable, the human ego is

Even in my dreams, it rains.

Detachment.

2009-02-03T19:24:00.003+08:00

Singing my power, my pleasure, my pain,

to tune.

Raising an eyebrow in its inherent mistake,

now immune.

A plea!

2009-01-28T00:58:00.005+08:00

I am mortified by the merest of thoughts, of losing.

Just a moment of jest, parts played perfectly by the muscle in my chest.

The court jesters jingles a tune,

"I sing in glee, and now you will see!"

"Haha! hehee! You shall never be free!"

"For you NEVER had her, you see!"

"Like a fool he makes a plea!"

"A plea a plea! Is there nothing more pathetic than thee!"

"You fool! You fool! You insignificant fool!"
"you fool! You fool! You insignificant fool!"
"You fool you fool you fool you fool..."

Indelible.

2008-06-17T22:04:00.002+08:00

Angular lines cut my vision
white walls aplenty
treading on wet gravel
upper lip stung by the icy air

there is a reason for me
scarf fluttering in the breeze
the unforgiving night blinding
a little tenderness

therefore and yet i have
solemn and solo and sobriquet
echoing footsteps lead the dream
its taken its time to pierce

its been too long now

Break the water; Mould the sky.

2008-06-07T15:08:00.002+08:00

The harbour becomes the sea,
will the water leave me be;

i wonder.

If only now, and awhile,
i will see reflection in ripples;

and ponder.

Assure.

2008-05-27T22:48:00.004+08:00

You cannot tell the wind's calm,
till the leaves dance

For thy breath is ease,
and my lust is appeased

Swirls of sand tease,
and slip through your hands

For thou art mine temptress;
they welcome my pleasures

Sit beside and let the flame flicker,
touch my eyes and say beguiler

twirl my curls and speak in soft manner,
i see brown eyes and have no answer

i wish she wished,
i wished she wished

i gaze incessantly so would i be out of line,
close your eyes and i'll close mine

A sight to see.

2008-03-11T21:29:00.005+08:00

I say her and she says we.
If only you, if only she.
Monotone miasma, chaos theory.
Tied in a knot, and now i am free.

Truly.

I know that gaze and i know that posture. I know why the finger on your temple and i know why the slight smile. Taut thighs ease, as you uncross your legs, dainty steps lead your hands to my chest. Your chin stabs at the back of my neck at your first hug, and those curls in your hair tickle.

Why do i smile through my eyes?

My sight is hardly on your being, yet i tell your every move. In your world, only i have sight. In my world, you have learnt to see.

Why do i smile through my eyes?

Only she can tell, because only you can see my effortless mystery. Unveiled by you, whom i so easily see. Who better to be beaten by, then you, who is me. In essence. You are where i've been, where i am and where i have yet to go. You willingly touch these hands, knowingly touching sin.

What more can i want, my love.

Only more of you.

How can it feel this wrong?

2007-12-10T22:15:00.000+08:00

no one loves me.

no need for winding walkways
the plea is full of hollow meaning
walk the frozen identities
and pretend in its sparkling beauty

follow me. and you.

warmth is a state of mind
frivolous for a lifestyle
break away the longing
and bury the chasing.

enough. really.

feeling and not feeling and feeling and no-
stop. knife me in please.
can something feel this wrong
and of course i see it. we all know

yes we do. we do.

sensuality in eloquence in sanguine sex
this moment, is not for me and you
in coitus i care and caress for a cure
straining for another way

no one loves me.

not like you do.

Walkways and trees.

2007-10-07T01:47:00.000+08:00

Red leaves and dandelion seeds
walkways of gravel and rust
swaying water and floating boats
the tree bark rough but serene
in essence of,

i live.

Moments are undeniable
facing forward friendly flowers
touch them. petals are plush.
more i say. more. much more.
mother,

you wait for me.

Melancholic milieu
monotone miasma
multitude of mirage's
made in malevolence
makeshift form,

sometimes, dreams take.

Supine
the sky in cyan
this disposition is permanent
as whispers in silence
however,

you think it to be. In several.

bloody wind, she thinks.
O princess, thy will is thy wish
grass is soft again
daydream falters yet again
peace,

a state of mind.

When it is nullified.

You, then i.

2007-10-07T01:12:00.000+08:00

There she is
i saw you in reflections of a confession
There she is again
i saw you in retractions of a revelation

Endorphin's are magic

I dream in escapsims
wrought with peril and assumptions
aged she is in her time
cry over ripples will you
so then,

so i.

Inanimate and bursts with epiphany
strings vibrate and calm
silence is met with red eyes
i am he, and you

combined.

Peel away the veil
caress with conviction and callousness
you then cease to exist
make it simple, easy.

Vermillion sufferings, i suffer.

With and without thought
i wish and you wish
misty fields of trees and wind
this frost is not enough,
in solace.

You then i, in place of we.

2007-08-28T22:20:00.000+08:00

You have reached, a broken yet whole person.
Leave your inhibitions and typecasting behind.
I will get back to your judgments another day.

In another life.

If i am not asleep for now
If i am not thinking aloud
If i am not taking a bow
Or you incessantly asking me how

Will you even realise the connotations in my words? Or the lies you want me to speak so lightly of?

I do not know love.

I realise these moments in time are incoherent. Well, i am afraid i cannot help you there love, since the thoughts in my head has lost the cohesion and i can only remember less and less and thats one of the drawbacks of deteriorating.

Or dying, if you like.

fuck this.

Thief of days.

2007-06-28T23:10:00.000+08:00

So i see now i have lost you in the bleak wilderness. Will you not stop your egoistical ascension to the almighty ruler and just remain in my grasp?

Now that i have your attention, i can see to it that my words of enamour will reach your ears unhindered by outside influences. I only crave an audience to thy blindness, your highness. Refrain from slouching on your throne too long my love, for the aching in your neck is not from the prolonged dis-position, but the absence of my caress to divert your chaotic war in your chest.

Has it been so long? So long that you fail to question my ineptitude?

Even when i forcefully wrote a script to feign this state of mind. I know. I am supposed to shower you with words that bring meaning to the words ardent passion. I know. I will admit, my love, i am crumbling away and you still fail to see. I cannot willfully fool myself to accept shackles that gives birth to nothing. I have forgotten already, how i am passionate over your smell, and at peace with your caress. My memory falters now that i have lost you in this blizzard you have called forth.

All i know is at an end. All you know, is to depend.

Though you think.

2007-04-30T01:50:00.000+08:00

Pump lithium into my collapsed veins to clog the valleys of creative curses i induce with my gritted teeth, unable to prevent the deluge of blood flowing through to my heart. So i lose control and i have lost control and i do not linger with purpose and i swear i am not the devil because my deafened prayers do not fall upon the distance to my morning star and this creates, or has created a void in a void, licking my wrists to taste the withered life that sinuates in my rigid spine.

fuck what i have said. i need and i need and i need and i have not gotten anything in which i need because i have not only concentrated so much on what i luxuriously want, but also on the things which i could have avoided by choosing to peek around the invisible wall entwining me to the scene that validates my presence in the ethereal miasma that vomits broken nails caused by endless writing and scratching and tearing and breaking and fucking and stabbing at my eyelids to show me a different view.

from yesterday till yesterday was endless and limitless and voracious and painless, now that i have figured out what which was missing from my palms in my time of endeavour as i sought to reap the seeds of birth in my cranuim milking every last bit of sleep and energy and tears and saliva for sustenance that did not in any way affect anything that eventually happened, underlining the amount of control i have, or we have, in this stupid stupid epiphany.

it is over and so i think i can continue on my swirling paths of mellow day dreaming which proves and provides a much needed escape from the screens of touch and words of sensuality and frugality and ability and screaming velocity. and he said this and i told him that i know this and i know but no one ever understands that i know and what can i do to prove that i know when no one is willing to know, that i know which in turn brings us to the know that i know. a lot.

el oscuro me mantiene.

Thirst.

2007-02-04T02:28:00.000+08:00

Why this war in your chest?

i cannot tell you why. for she passed my lips with a glance and then teased me to follow with her trailing scent lingering in the air that seemed to freeze in time. the mysterious me, where still water that ran so deep i drowned myself into oblivion and hid my being completely from detection and yet, with a wisp of grace she has churned waves in undisturbed peace.

Why the rain in your head?

i cannot tell you why. for how best can i describe, even with my sleepless mind, the demure beauty she effortlessly overflowed with. these eyes have seen her and the temptation in her aura, refusing to accept the deception present in this persona. and now, only dreaming of wallowing amidst her hair, the lake of salvation i have created.

Why this weakness for her?

i cannot tell you why. because this is not weakness.

just a thirst.

an indefatigable thirst.

though it can be quenched yet.

how, you might ask.

i will drink from her lips.

Just play.

2007-01-24T03:08:00.000+08:00

twitch in subtle agony, your cheeks a shade of mahogany;
you are really meant to keep, just you and i, duality.

if there is no cause for me, no cause for senseless brutality;
pray tell this fading memory, to stay a while, eternity.

leave this wretched melancholy, blind eyes you cured, you made them see;
a better person i could be, if i let you in more deep.

through my tears my artistry, you i have met and plan to keep.
tear me down, please gaze at me, now, will you take my challenge to thee?

I wish i may, i wish i might.

2007-01-16T02:04:00.000+08:00

stages of metaphors for the people who were cared for.

so you know my line of sight is reflected by the asphalt as i drag my tired legs through the darkened morning light. i mouth esoteric meaning, as my mind struggles to hold in more superfluous thought. more dazed evenings and more confused connections and more and more and more and more and i want to bite the flesh of uncertainty, and cry simultaneously, worrying and worrying and worrying, infinitely.

for the times i hoped to say and for the times i let my mind play and for the times i wished i might, i wished i may, and for the times in my bed staring into the words of tears as i lay. dissipating. now you think you're putting up with me and you think i can tolerate thee? yes it is true. i am your ornament, the venom in your addiction. it is true. now you have grown confident no? you write to me and i read out aloud.

i reap when you are bold.
i weep when you fold.

take me away my love. this humiliation i can no longer endure. take me away and dispose of your mask that hides the ugliness that i have evolved into. your condemned concoction. a memory alike, i will fade into the hole you have exquisitely measured for me. i will.

i promise only flowers will grow in your backyard.

Tnemom

2007-01-12T03:10:00.000+08:00

In a morning, as you adorned raiment,
my hollows filled you.

In a morning, one moment,
the breeze discomforted you.

In a morning, in atonement,
you pleased the inner fool.

In a morning, in contentment,
you accepted your choice without further ado.

and i accept you.

Wisp away.

2007-01-02T03:58:00.000+08:00

such a sad tune it plays in my head. swimming amongst countless thoughts of nothingness, lighting up the way when it enters my mind simulating a mist that washes over my eyes as i stare holes into the wispy air that floats by. mocking my heightened state of mind that counts as a war just north of the eyebrows. the cold grill of this window to oblivion provides rest for my tired neck while i watch the time and rain drip away.

waste away.

so much rain. and yet i feel nothing. no wash over. no comfort by the melancholy. beyond my reach it continues to fall again and again. yet i stare more, in wonder. am i like the wind? everywhere yet nowhere? does the wind, so majestically braving the rain, get drenched in its moisture? is the wind as privileged as i think it is?

does it feel?

cold breezes grazes my eyelashes and then i feel its mockery and venom fills my veins while the guitar strums melodiously, yet monotonously, in my ears. so lonely it is to be me. and the wind. you tried to grasp me, but i escaped through the holes present in your heart. there was never any tolerance to fit me, and yet you still tried to calm my nerves in a dead of night one momentous day. but really, did you really try hard enough?

i am the wind.

you need not tread carefully. you need not fear me. but you forgot. you let slip from your mind that you should never try to enclose the wind in your palms. you let slip from your mind that you should not lead with your eyes open on a windy day for tears may be. you let slip from your mind that you should not constrict your hair and miss the serenity the wind will caress into your senses.

open your palms and feel me.
close your eyes and think of me.
let your hair loose and love me.

"yo no me quedo"

you let me die.

Kiss and tell.

2006-12-15T21:15:00.000+08:00

watch me watch those lips open and close and open and close, and i hear naught. yet they glisten a dark amaranth in the dimmed lights from the candles as they dance to the song that can be overheard entwined with the air that lingers into the midnight. watch me watch those lips as i lick them with my traveling eyes where imagination is almost redundant.

watch me.

watch me watch the pools of ebony that make up your eyes, illuminated in a glow every time your curvy eyelashes reveal them to me. their vision set on me urging me, leading me, enticing me, promising me more than the light in them that teases me. i have only seen red roses my love, but tease me not with two black and white ones.

tease me.

watch me watch the luscious hair that seem to caress you, teaching me the right way as you tilt your head slightly to sip golden champagne. flowing down one side of your face hiding cheeks that turn rosy red when they catch my eyes. silken hair just touching your shoulders fall back and reveal to me where my hands should be, stroking your chocolate skin to the back of your neck.

move me.

and then she steps out of her table.
graceful steps one and two.
she's been asked to dance.
she's been asked to move.

she would rather be in my hands. overlooking her shoulder at each opportunity, to see if my eyes have not betrayed her. the red dress flicking at her beautiful shoes. beautiful red prada shoes. i know. i chose them so carefully, to fit this persona. this entity of grace and elegance. this woman. her. she. mine.

won't you come to me?

i stand and move. one steps two. i stop at a pillar and lean against, to watch. watch me watch you, woman. watch me watch you, envying the sides of the silken thread that make up your dress, privileged to dance along with those hips. she looks at me and is careful to hide her eyes from pleading. watch me watch you get frustrated.

gently now.

frustrated by more patience, she loosens her grip on the shoulder and one step two. grabs my black vest by its side and pulls me toward her chest. she glares at me, and rips off her long red gloves and flicks her wrists for me to see it float down to my feet. to feel. to feel my neck. to feel my heat for her. she smells my neck and sighs as fingers entwine and one step two, she leads.

kiss me.

breathless. ever so lightly she licks my neck and nibbles it. look at me. look at my eyes. look at my pulsating chest. kiss me. kiss me you fool, she glimpses. i smile. i know what you want. you know what you want. i want you. and i want you. you fool she says. you don't need me.

you have me.

step. step step. step.

2006-12-14T22:52:00.000+08:00

this you i always think of, can be distracting sometimes.
most times.
all times.

step. step step. step.

yes my love, in the red chiffon dress.
my hands sway with the movement of your hips.
nibble my cheek, and squeeze your grip on my vest.
the lure emanating from your luscious lips.

perfore el corazón.

caressing the tip of your nose on mine
lick my neck with your prurient eyes
your fingers arousing the shivers in my spine
your heartbeat tells no lies

béseme.

turn and turn and make me yearn
fall and fall and make me call
smile and smile and make me sigh
kiss and kiss and make me miss

you, when you leave me, hand trailing behind into mine.

Hate is hate. Don't hate it.

2006-10-31T10:34:00.000+08:00

i want to quit.

but sooner or later, i will fall into my own abyss. the one i created. and yet i will return to it for its comforts are far beyond material desires.

i am different now. i don't like me now. i like me before. the one who stayed motionless in the realms of my mind and surveyed people with no real intention.

i can hate. i can be evil. i can be more.
why do i need conscience and kindness. why do i so deliberately want to think about you, when in the end, no matter what the situation, i am the one at fault.

and yet at the brink of change i falter. i shiver to take the next step.

should i just trample on emotions as and when i feel so, because they are in my way? should i look out for myself first, then others?

this hesitance, has now given birth to a mirrored version of myself.

a being who hates everyone, and whose arrogance is starting to overflow limits to which control is no more a question. whose proposed intelligence is the catalyst for such behaviour. whose strength is utilised for forcing supression to the heart's messages.

and then, there are leftovers.

tattered remains of myself before the reasons for my diseased ridden pride and soul to split itself in annoyance and reflex to save my mind from turning onto itself.

if you would have me now, or before, you can never have me whole anymore.

i cannot be only yours. because now i am mine too.

and i am liking it.

Glass walls.

2006-09-21T19:12:00.000+08:00

The mind. The birth of understanding and the dread that follows after.

everyday i step into this room broken down. yet faking worldy pleasures in my head to everyone else, letting my sheer arrogance rule me. and in my own eyes i greet you from the other side of the shadows. with strangers meddling with my mind, don't get too close. my material skin, disintegrates like the surface of the still river when a leaf floats onto it. don't hurt me please.

for i only exist because you say i do.

yes. yes yes yes. i am not dead and have yet to die, but i am living in my self as an entity within an entity hoping my outer side does not fall into thorned bushes that might poison the already decaying flesh that needs no more damage. my mind the candle within four glassed walls. and i, looking from the outside, wondering what miracle is sustaining the dancing flame for so long now.

it was gradual.

the way it slipped from my grasp and my conscience. they way it dissipated whenever i looked at my forlorn reflection in the broken shards. the way it mellowed to a whisper whenever i took calculated steps towards a realm in time and space to disappear. secretly i longed for the day which is unbecoming of my smile. constantly thinking of nothing. and how i wished i was nothing. the entity that is me, a waste of space existant in a place that will eventually crumble. so i finally know, and its at its end.

i have lost the desire, to desire.

it is when the city sleeps, that my peace is disturbed and my mind is at ease. viewing the world differently, but assuredly, everytime my pupils seem to lose their capabilities. at the cost of my ignorance, my mind struggles urging me.

pleading to me to step out
crawl out
shivering at the implosion
of the madness

move up dear one.
move my love.
don't just leave yet.

you have yet to seek or see me. you have yet to feel my presence and with that, you have yet to transcend this assumed impenetrable barrier you have created in place of, whicle searching for me. why do you force submission so easily. don't give up on me my love. i have not given up on you. why do you choose to exist seperately from me when the answers you seek so vehemently, i have only for you. accept me like i will you, and see with your eyes my experience. i guarantee you answers, and more chaos. since by yourself you have long left the state of ignorance the moment you were affected by the true nature of being enlightenend, you have already chosen this path. i only promise you a deeper understanding, not seclusion or serenity.

for that, you have you.

Ad infinitum.

2006-07-19T02:37:00.000+08:00

why does the street lamp glow a dimmer shade, each time i stroll past an old memory lurking in the depths of the abyss that commands my every move. the swirling mystery that inhabits my innermost desires that punctuate endless speeches and infinitely vacates space for ubiquitous pictures that mockingly flash before my glistening eyes. the nonchalant gazing through the cold steel grills of the window seem to numb me more than it did, now that i am far more lost in my precociousness; far too blinded by sweet smelling roses every thursday night. the dried petals a reminder of what used to be; luscious silken skin underneath my sense of touch forcing smile after smile; simultaneously, taking my thoughts far from beguile.

why do dry rose petals retain their colour?

it does not really matter. for i am happy they have colour at all, clinging onto dried hopes and decaying memoirs of magnanimity and mellow moaning while my fingers do more than just feed my incessant needs for attention. intent on following subtle shivers to the point of sentient feelings that set of seemingly limitless amounts of sensual salaciousness and amorous aphrodisia, willingly partaken in of course. giving basic thought very little room to administer rational behaviour while i indulge in fondling with concupiscence knowingly as it brings about your hunger for me.

yes i am self-indulgent.

but what does that say about you my lustful lover? vision less only when your needs are being stroked to ecstasy, ruing the sight of me once your voracious libido is satisfied and sleeping. pretentiously holding my hand throughout my ordeal as though purposefully feeding my desire to feed you. the lifelessness of me is only my reflection in your eyes when the look of disgust spreads from your lips to the back of your head as i watch you caress the wind as you walk away from my line of sight.

but those petals do not lose their colour still.

Melancholic mornings, and mournings.

2006-07-11T22:18:00.000+08:00

primrose dawns and unwelcome visitors.
window sills and floating silences.
music filled ears and teary eyed images.
distant lights and amaranth skies.

melancholic mornings, and mournings.

so tell me you. you who is mocking me by hiding behind stacks of papers. why do you test me as you walk away from me, leaving questions and more questions while i sit here and shiver in the backseat of a car that has a driver who takes my money. but you keep walking to where the white flowers bloom and stand there awhile, as if to force me to contemplate what i would do if you were sitting right beside me with that flower in your hand.

i should not get personal. unfortunately there is you, whose insecurity moulds you into me as you look past my dark brown eyes and see something when there is really nothing. "misfit!" i cry. "maverick," you swoon.

i squint and look around your room filled with images on the wall, worked into an elaborate collage towards an impression of expressions. but hides cigarettes from me in the cupboard beside the bed because those dreadful things i cannot endure. who keeps red coloured dildos because i wear a lot of reds just because the colour accentuates how i must feel inside. bollocks woman. but writes voraciously and vivaciously, and eats words ferociously and fervently. but timidly lets her eyes run about my being and pretentiously fantasises about my skin. "rebel?" i say sarcastically. "revolutionary," she says smoothly.

i cannot stand alone. i lie back and think abou... "don't think about the things you fear. just be glad to be here," she says thoughtfully, studying me.

do not do that you. why read my thoughts. why spoil my mystery. have you not taken enough away from me. why do you like me. why do you know me. do not read me, and then say that i am silent all the time. i found you did i not? why am in your room? because i am silent and you know me just perfectly. it is enough. the enemy of my enemy, is still my enemy. but you, i do not know who you are. do not talk you. but please, look at me more. those eyes, and legs, are my temptations you.. you.. woman.

clenched teeth, and sitting upright on the bed away from you... how dare you reduce me to something whice envies you and crawls after you? how dare you? how dare you... put your hand on my thighs and rest your head upon my skin and kiss the side of my thigh and..

primrose dawns and unwelcome visitors..
window sills and floating silences..
music filled ears and teary eyed images..
distant lights and amaranth skies..

melancholic mornings, and mournings...

Only i know.

2006-05-25T14:22:00.000+08:00

i remain stoic through the atmosphere you emit, when only i know the seemingly infinite thoughts that revolve and evolve in my head are triggered by that sultry pose you give unknowingly as i can only watch you this way, almost voyeuristic in its manner, because one person cannot hold the amount of pent up emotions i conjure when i am with you, so i start pretending to be calm when only i know that the war i am waging within knows no bounds when i continually try to fight a frown, so i turn away to look at the precious lava lamp that you bought for me to distract my attention and although i thought i was looking at it nonchalantly, i realise i am concentrating quite hard on this inanimate object watching as the the lava that floats ever so smoothly caressing one another as they pass, only reminds me of the times when only i know the smell of your nail polish when you touch my lips to feel me exhale my desperation to confess, but i feel this lamp has been put there only to frustrate me more as even an object, forces my thoughts on you and your sly and sultry ways because even deep breaths cannot undo the knot in my chest and i turn away into the opposite direction of where you are, hoping you will not see this moment when it is increasingly becoming more obvious that i am disturbed by you even when you hardly have said a word to me but i do no want to admit defeat so i open a book and see the words do not make sense to me, i turn it right side up and had a second attempt; and even i do not realise i am staring into the blank space ahead of me which make up the wall of cool blue colour but i know very well that i wanted red but the wall became blue and then i remember the time when we went to get paint to change the outlook of this sanctuary and my mind was already made up; but i bought this cool blue because she looked at this colour smiling at it with her eyes, while gazing upon it faking nonchalance and i know it is fake but you stood there a moment too long and you never fail to amaze me because i am always watching you and the salesperson was tapping my shoulder incessantly and i do not know what he is saying because i think the language is a barrier because he keeps saying that red is an excellent choice and i am carrying the red and she turns to me and she gives me a slight smile from the right corner of her mouth and i want to go outside and scream at the next guy i see that he has it difficult and he thinks that i am crazy but only i know why i want to scream so i close my eyes and i open them to see the cool blue remain and then i lift my left eyebrow to prevent myself from revealing anything else that resides in my mind so i get up and go sit on the lounge chair and i am in her vision but i cannot see her i think and i loll my head and look at the space where a television set should have been and i purse my lips and think about why the space is empty and all i see are many colours coalesced together looking like they had been limited by four black rims at the ends where the clours are abruptly halted but a painting in the middle of the room? i do not understand why it is so colourful and why it is so big and why it is right in front of me and then i see the colour purple and then i realise we were walking down the pavement of a place and i see the words gallery and i am being enclosed by so many paintings and i am standing in the middle of this seemingly infinite space and i only see her standing parallel to a wall and her hair is flowing down the back of her shoulders all wavy and sexy and she tilts her head a little to the right and runs a finger around the upper curve of her right ear and bites her lower lip and i feel like hours have passed and i start trembling in the finger tips and i feel tears down my cheeks and i bury my face into her hair and back and then i am still standing there and she walks over and slides her fingers in between mine and i realise i am trembling and only i know that i wished that moment when she stood there lasted a very long time and i am drilling a screw into the wall and i hang the painting up on the wall but my vision shakes and i am sitting in the lounge chair looking at light refractions and i notice my eyes are wet and i am overwhelmed by many things and i feel so hard at my chest and i want to feel nothing but then i realise that hiding myself from her is useless as i chose to be surrounded by her and i walk over to her and i sit with her and i bury my face into her neck and i hold her hand and i just lay there like that and i always want to lay here like this and i know she smiles because she wipes a tear from my eye with her finger and i don't feel embarrassed at all that i am crying because i would have cried anyway to have her caress my eyelids.

only i know.

L'Enfant Terrible.

2006-03-13T12:34:00.000+08:00

visualizing the incarceration of thyself.

so i have become one of the above. materialising like the other rats that creep under the light that sneaked in through the crevice. treading upon murky water and revelling in the beauty that lies without. the beauty which remains far fetched and unreachabale. watching feet shuffling and like rain they beat down on the asphalt with intent and with no end in sight. whispers of voices in the echos that bounce of the walls of the sewer that i was flsuhed down in the inkling of a thought.

and now i sit here carving inscripstion into my own arms.

is it a fault of mine that to this life i was born? is it a fault of mine that i was not equipped for this mindless violence that was inflicted upon me? i have become. and i have not. as nature dies i die too. as nature replenishes itself, i remain dead. so then, i sit here still, hoping for someone to flush down their excretions so i can prolong for another week, feeding of the contempt off the lives of many.

the yellow eyes glow in he dark. and he is looking at me.

from being an infant, i have become the enfant terrible. biting into the flesh of the rest who were unfortunate like me. but unlike me, they have not evolved. these horns i have grown give me strength in abundance when against the walking dead. you will see and i will no more bleed. and i will work my way to you and then you will be like the reward i endured the vermillion sufferings for. and they will watch me crush you between my shiv like teeth and then i will be rejuvenated; for the life you led me to, i will introduce you to.

don't be afraid.

i have built a very special sarcophagus for you.

Pages are dry, for now.

2006-03-11T15:53:00.000+08:00

you treat me with such hate that now i cannot see beyond my blodshot eyes. so now i realise that flirting with disease was not a mistake; but a means of escape from you as you always take everything from my inside and spend it thoughtlessly.

now i am empty.

and you dare speak of loyalty and love and everything that is imminent with such speak? leave me to myself for the death of you is what i seek because of the vile and tainted being that you are has become inevitable and crystal and it makes my reflection look better than it was before.

die a lonely death, you that is vile, vicious and villainous.

Have we lost to our memories?

2006-02-20T23:05:00.000+08:00

each days passes with more fervor than the last. each night lingers with more intent than the last. in pursuit of vagaries we reach out to in vain, letting ourselves drown in the depths that have cast in stone our doubts for tomorrow. is it really pointless to persist on analyzing that which is gone? the incessant drones of voices in ear drums as they persevere to let it be known that being lost is never by mistake, but by complacency. yet they have always been met by nonchalance, when faking confidence.

have we lost to our memories?

each calculated step performed to the joy of a perfectionist. each step she dances, delicate and full of grace. yet her face is sullen and her eyes are closed. but she does not falter. this routine she has taken again and again when laden with the misery she inflicts upon herself. she remembers perfectly, what comes after the other, almost with swagger. she knows i sit and stare in awe as her pink pointe puts to shame a midsummers night's dream.

flooding lights, blind my sight.

she stands in the middle of the stage motionless letting the light cast shadows under her eyes to hide her shame from me. she stretches her hand out and whispers my name, begging for my awakening. pleading for my influence as she feeds off it to stay sane. she touches my fingers and drags me in between everywhere and good bye, knowing i need an end to my heading nowhere.

but she is deceitful.

like a drop that had sent ripples through still water, i blink. causing a tremor in my state of vision shaking my sense of self awake; finding myself sitting amongst silence and the vibrations of strings attached to piano keys. only to see the stage empty, proving my bliss montage fake. the pink pointe in my hand, tattered and aged depicting my state of mind.

i have lost, to perdurance.

Pass me by. Leave me to die.

2006-02-06T02:08:00.000+08:00

do not spend some time to analyse the disparate layers of meaning embedded in me. do not take the time to lavish upon the complexity that is me, your shallow emotions conditioned by society. do not pay attention to all the minute details that fill the shell that has become of me. do not touch the tears that are off a different colour, that roll down my colourless cheeks. do not attempt to sew the wounds that have riddled my neck. do not pick me up off of the icy floor that welcomes me.

you. do not.

you sit in the corner and pretend that you are overwhelmed in hurt. you bury your face in your quivering hands and deceive me with your tears after you push me down the steps that lead to the gutter. you sob softly and flinch when you gaze upon the deep gash in my chest and fake that you are to blame. you slump against the wall dazed and weak and convince yourself that this is worse than death, after i am dead.

stop pretending.

i know you have eaten your fill and leave me to the vultures. i know you are relieved because the moment i decided i had enough, i forced submission. i know your elation now that my decision to leave has left you with no choice to make. i know you feel freedom the moment i had turned my back and you impaled me with a sly smile that took form of a shiv that tore through my flesh and left a spine that splintered. i know.

in the perfect world, i would not have known you.

and that would be perfect.

put the gun to my head and squeeze as much as you desire.

i am already numb.

do you see epiphany?
you have cut me down to size.

Caress.

2006-02-03T17:38:00.000+08:00

I dreamt you in last night, sleeping outside my door. I could smell your scent, hear your accent, feel your eyes, kiss your breath. I saw the light caress your body as you strolled by so casually, so comfortable among your things. I pushed through and was steadily riding through your imagination.

you pierce my reality and you drag me down and out holding my hand and make me lie beside you. i hold you tight but you don't. i lay a kiss near your lower lip but you don't turn away. i want to look at you but you shut your eyes. i want to whisper into your ear but you cover your ears. i close my eyes now.

it is the sweet smell that you emit from your exterior. the smell of your exasperation when you strain under pressure from your predominant desires. it the smell of the pain you feel when engulfed in self question of your perceived morals that seem to blur during our deluge of thoughts. only i can see it for you are saturating my mind with every subtle movement of the pools of midnight that are your eyes.

it is the touch of your flowing hair when it grazes my eyes and forces them to close in preparation for your hands that caress me. dainty fingers that follow the bruises down to my chest that my heart speeds up its rhythm and you listen to it, intently. the touch of the tip of your nose at my neck and the soft caressing of your eyelashes when you gaze upon my slight smile that i smile when i know you are looking at me.

now that you are soothed and reassured, you sing for me. the gentle and soft voice of tiny moments when fingers entwine. the song we have the last waltz as two lonely people together.

i submit.

do as you wish with me.

Ominous.

2006-02-02T00:46:00.000+08:00

i stand alone engulfed in phyrric victories, and drowned in hearsay. while she relentlessly reminds me that i rest on her bosom,

And while no one plans to sleep out in the gutter, sometimes it just is the most comfortable place.

it is true, when you find you open your eyes to the ominous milieu, you taste the asphalt that had been forced upon your face. the impression the gravel left on your skin no touch of tolerance. inhaling the fumes left by the hatred and death dealings of many a cadaver. the rotting of the clear air and no rays of sunlight to replenish the flora that had already withered reflecting the feelings that have stung my insides for decades. and decades to come. but all of this found only inside the skull of a troubled mind and the gutter is laid out as planned to become home. as sanctuary for the nights that a blanket might protect from the icy wind, but would prove ineffectual; as the bones were sore and the material flesh numb from the pain. screaming inside my mind for an escape.

You're an echo vibrating off the tiled walls.

and like it i am empty and hollow. but the echoes have been quick in return as the walls have been boxing me in. closing in on my lifeless carapace when i slumber lost in whirlwinds of thought that derail me from my sanity. do you really wish to sit there so calmly and watch me twitch in my sleep? do you really wish to see me shiver and drench myself in cold sweat? do you really wish to hold my hand through this ordeal i have willed myself into surviving? and then she whispers into my ear,

I know the stillness of your emotions will shine through and the faithlessness in your eyes will glow under the stage lights and you do not belong in the spew of predetermined lines.

yes she pierces my unconsciousness and i hear her ever so clearly. her confidence in my non-existent courage has seen me overcome countless hurdles. yet i am confused as to the reason why. why do you bruise yourself and forcefully blind your sight when you feel the roughness of my palms and you know of my past misconceptions? and you adamantly pardon my naiveté? why?

Everything you do is a self-portrait. There are times it might look like St. George and the Dragon or The Rape of the Sabine Women but the words you use, they are all you.

i do not doubt thee, but your judgment.

and yet i only seek the exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.

Watch me fade away.

2006-01-31T15:01:00.000+08:00

Where are your eyes in your reflection?

from everything you have done for yourself; now you neglect the self, doing everything for you. or her. stains of metaphors form rivers of nakedness. cold and awful it must seem to the sender. but the receiver cowers behind walls of hurt that form new barriers that supposedly prevent more decadence and damage. recall those who shower merciless rage upon you and it will be easy. pick yourself up and dust off the webs of confusion. clarity is not a myth, but it remains a place of half-truths. hurt yourself and even friends with wings will not grace your presence. concrete in your veins did not form for no reason, you bastard. it is time death seeks you for the whore that you have become. do not speak of fairness and penance. you deserve none and you have paid enough. just leave,

your absence is needed. or is it?

when you explicitly express lies that i submit to. when every letter and word replicate hailstones upon glass windows of my weakly built domain. this stoic persona will always remain, but the interior walls have been cracked and the repairs that have been painted over are decaying with every straying thought. pressure is what it is. the underlying meaning of every time you hurled verbal abuse at the mirror trying to force an answer out of the reflection. the depression was minimal, now form a crater of a magnitude to house the built up tension.

i am always alone in this misery you shower upon me.

watch me fade away. every moment away from you i had spent sitting in that corner toying with the sickness that surrounds me. i insist on wallowing in the vagaries that i have purposefully chosen. naively obfuscating afraid to reach the expiration that has become of your carapace. so long i have depended on your affluence that now i waste away, ungracefully.

yes, i am guilty of dalliance.

fucking kill me. please.

Superfluous.

2005-12-30T20:43:00.000+08:00

it is the rain that pours down to the sound of melancholic misery. the droplets riddled with blank expressions from the despair that emanates from the ground. each calculated fall hits the dreams of many a disturbed cadaver. and yet i seek refuge here away from the incessant mornings and nights. deluge of galleries are built to house the pointless words that litter the wispy clouds.

it is to make believe we are perfect.

spinning around the same speeches of apparent intellects that do not matter and do no good. and when you find the pinnacle of such behaviour, there is no surprise when people pander. to demise. to exploitation. knife me in and watch the writhing with intent as the blades of grass die from the spill of pandemonic perception. while faceless laughter echo into the depressions of whom it may concern, clinging onto the crutches hoping to live longer and bigger.

sick and deprived of my fear, sleep again.

and again i have fallen upon asphyxiation when questioned over and over again, why. Open wrists bleed profusely for malpractice of thought. Junctions crossed have become dim and the lunatic shivers a whole new meaning. attempting desperately to smother the learning of revolution. the multiplicit nature of tears cause them to be deemed expendable. nobody hears you moan like a whore and your supposed wounds no result of hate.

do you recall the veins that were severed in silence and the cries of wanting to be heard?

there is no apparent end to this madness and the cultural conditioning is wasted as the signs are not read anyway. you must have been tearing the clones down as you stand next to all the other rats. masses of late replies weigh down the hands. everywhere a wheezing cough completes the birth cycle as it revolves with much less. the alleged evolution of humility.

We have yet to see it.

just as we hoped for more of less, we are trapped stalking the ground forever fragmenting whatever life left in the core. the crescent shaped dams block the real flow of the elements that mirror bursts of epiphany. sway now towards the salvation that is escape. pull the pin and bite down hard to cleanse the sin. i remain, after all this, the anomie in this anomaly.

Lies. Time is up.

2005-11-30T21:09:00.000+08:00

the leaves of my plants look like claws in the shadows
i lie on the bed waiting for them to tear my flesh
wanting to bleed my way through to epiphany
yet the waiting, is much more of hell than i have experienced

the darkness of the eyes is one of few
yet my creativity has conjured up more than i can suffer
the societal markers chisel me into one of lacking
one who doubts himself over the tiniest of details

i look into the reflection of my own eyes and see despair
a falling person whom i am unable to reach
a person drowning in the black waters of my hatred
trying to save what is left of my accepted intelligence

yes. accepted. not by me. by my inability to everyone else
i cannot bring myself to endure such low levels of capacity
i possess none that is desired and desire what no one can offer
i am not ahead in my own time and severely lagging behind

i am sick and tired of the various masks i feel i need to wear
the endless beautifying of myself to lie to everyone else
the rapid changes in my literal abilities to suit needs
to hold myself responsible for deeds i need not fulfill

i do not love myself enough to accept my fucking flaws
i do not hate myself enough to slit my wrists to taste my blood
i do not love myself enough to access the inner god i know i posses
i do not hate myself enough to have the courage to love myself

caught in between this nothingness is worse than being me
worse than this desolation i visit every night with open eyes
decaying, not physically, but everything else is
turning a blind eye to the fact that this is happening

forcefully lying to myself. to lie even more about myself.

to myself.

clock chimes can be heard.
time for redemption is over.

time to let the steel taste my flesh.

Failure.

2005-11-25T12:05:00.000+08:00

your obsession with tears will be the death of me my love. for i am comfort as best as i could be. come sleep in my arms and let your tears tell the stories that you have mashed up in your saturated mind. i am there my love, watch the candles flicker as i walk past your aura to settle in a corner, studying your omnipresent emotions. be my comfort as you hum a familiar tune that will prove serenity true to me. why do you deny me the walk down the road you so often visit?

why do you so selfishly suffer alone? let me slit my wrists for my blood to be the stream that you will float upon to liberate you of your worst nightmares. drift through the black night that will drown you fears and let it be known that i mean for only you to live through this life i have created. all i ask for is those hands that caressed me to the deep slumber i awoke from. those hands that touched my skin in my times of needs and acceptance. those hands that were damp from my tears that dropped from my deepest depths of misery. but you have hurt those hands and the blisters are from the vengeance of many. No my love. leave thy hands to heal. for thou shall not damage that which is my only hope of transcending this societal hell that is post modernity. No my love. Not now. Not ever.

why would you bring this confused state upon me? the little pleasures that prolonged the timeline in which we endured less and less of them as we progressed towards the future that was always bleak. sharing similarities with our thoughts and thoughts about similarities between the parallel lines that resembled us. why now my love? do you leave to relieve me of my pain, or yours? do you leave to make certain the views of the faceless that we would not be? do you leave to make certain the lies and deceit i feared when you were material? no i cannot forgive you. the roses that i planted so meticulously to grow to the contours of your countenance now wither away without your sustenance. you have killed my roses that bloomed only on my command to your walking past my area of rest. now they rest forever, not able to give off the velvet scent that filled my sanctuary. the luscious petals have fallen to the ground lifeless.

you have failed me. so miserably.

the void i turn to when i am alone, told me the truth.

you have failed me, because i have failed you.

For this moment.

2005-10-28T14:13:00.000+08:00

and i work relentlessly over the roads of her material skin. for i have been lost for quite sometime, searching through the darkness being blind for most of my past. i try to contemplate a future without most of her, forcing my myself through the colourless nightmares to be rid of this burden. it has become a feat of enormous proportions each time i attempt to mock my own facts of truth present in my brain. my tears, while already dried up, has formed puddles of black leaving a lasting impression of dread.

why the constant torture lonesome leader? do you enjoy these moments of nothingness? do you find meaning in the wallowing in your own self pity? do you crave this vile display of being? why attempt to fucking fathom such extremes?

i will never understand you, and me.

for which both, at the very core, are the same.

Angels and Demons.

2005-10-20T01:47:00.000+08:00

angels and demons.

me and her, the core binary that baffles the conscious mind.

she and i, cease to exist among this overrated society. i have stood shoulder to shoulder with this woman i deem to be whole in my heart. she knows my exterior shields her from most intruders, but my internal structure is falling apart. the bruises sustained from the years of absorbing the hate and dishing it out on the walls that surround it. inevitably it has taken its toll on the mere flesh and blood. the scars visible can be used as a map to find the portion of my heart that has been breached and bleeding.

but i will never falter or come of as weak in front of her. as i am that pillar of strength she relies on to have strength. i am the poetry she fails to see in the sky. i am the literature she cannot find on any book or paper.

angels and demons all come to see me. what i deserve, has come to choose me.

what of her?

relentlessly gazing into the mirror that reflects the truth, is a lie. she would have done the right thing, if she did not know that it was to feel this way. she hopelessly pores over the pages of my journal and continues brushing the droplets away in case it damages the already fragile manifestation of me. she knows that the closest thing to feeling me again, were those words that had been penned down during frustrations of an unforgiving mind. plagued by the mysteries of the parallel relationship of the distance between her and me.

evil and good.
hate and love.
anger and serenity.
demons and angels.

you and me.

she looks up from the defining memoirs and gazes upon the fake reflection. vitreous is her countenance, when she longs for my touch.

i could not dominate my demons, and she did not embrace the angels.

Efflorescence.

2005-10-09T05:16:00.000+08:00

when a flower blooms,
i will find her.

and if overwhelming aura can be felt,
i will see her.

and if unmistakable passion is absolute,
i will hear her.

and if intense sensuality is sensed,
i will smell her.

and if sanguine pleasures are imminent,
i will taste her.

so i have spent eternity in an hour. gazing upon star after star. smiling after every numbing episode of happiness brought upon me by you. and yet you mock my emotional conviction, eluding my grasp like the mist that the morning exhales. the countdown clock in my chest runs down with every breath drawn from the innocent air. i awake cautiously just to see if i can steal a glance of the efflorescence of your blood red escada.

alas, that moment passes on.

and so have you.

Presence. (part two.)

2005-09-27T21:53:00.000+08:00

in time the leaves wither away, leaving the bleak looking horizon. walking amidst the misty night leaving footsteps and trails of thoughts behind. the lazy wind caressing her long tresses revealing her pale countenance. why would she walk alone? why would she smile in this solitude created by me? why would she be walking towards me?

i watch intently my chest gradually swelling with confusion. i am driven to madness in her simplicity of the world. i am deeply affected by her careless insight to the chaos that revolves in these times.

she plucks the only velvet rose in her garden. the rose turns a darker red as she brings it to her lips and kisses it. the satisfaction spreads from her eyes to the chilly air. still she continues as though burdened by a mission to complete a journey. when the walls of my abode barricade her every thought and her every whisper.

i am watchful of her fond behaviour to nature. i do not house so much of nature for the mere purpose of nature itself. i have countless dreams of her every emotion. how do i hold on to such beauty without giving in return? how do i answer her every tear drop when it starts to rain?

she looks into the sky and blinks thoughtfully. and then, it hits her, the first few drops of clarity. she spreads her arms in attempt to catch every possible drop. she stands in the rain almost motionless closing her eyes to hear the pitter patter.

I study this calm expression with awe. standing still, i embrace all of her like i would a child. i bring my lips to her ears, and i call.

i do call.

her ears bleed, but the wounds are not present.

the realisation occurs. the wound was never in her, it is embedded within me as i open my soul.

i have bled myself dry and i have not a word left to speak.

she cannot hear me.

Presence. (part one.)

2005-09-14T23:09:00.000+08:00

so she must walk. and so she walks.

so she must cry. and so she cries

so she must leave. and so she leaves.

but where does she go?

it is perhaps best that i do not know. for in pursuit i will go. anywhere.

the illusion of the one that should be, is dominant. therefore i am nowhere, but near her.

She will answer me.

if i call.

would i?

Fragmented desideratum.

2005-08-31T15:39:00.000+08:00

she looks at me with weary eyes. though her age is stereotyped with exuberance and the luxury of time, her eyes prove other wise, worn down with heavy shoulders and brittle hair. the years of envy and curses that fly by her head have taken its toll on her craved upon vibrance.

she screams in massive thoughts. yet she smiles and overflows with magnanimity. she provides sanctuary to the vile form, that is me. they see the dirt that encompasses my essence. yet she repeatedly tells me through fragrant flowers that i am the diamond that need not be polished. what would i have given for the flowers not to wilt?

everything. everything but her.

the stale smell of the dead and dried petals linger on into my many nights of insomniac memories. reminding me of the well and loved, but now dead and wilted passion that once filled my carapace. the gutter beckons my material body as the chains of post-modernism tear through my skull. knowledge of the revolving world crams my already saturated brain. do i even try and sort my thoughts to clear my mind? never. afraid to lose the few moments i have spent with you. with her.

she. her. you. you fucking obsessive loner. do you not know she does not know you? stop this fucking whining and move on down the path you have dug. clear the way and look up for a change. just look. do you not know she does not bat an eyelid to your tiny existence?

ahh but i do.

but the longing i have for her, is sustenance itself. she sits elbows on knees, and cries the tears which i have shed.

you do not know.

but i do.

Desideratum.

2005-08-29T21:17:00.000+08:00

i am lost in the sea that is my words. i cannot seem to recollect where the end begins and where the beginning ends. where, is the needs that i want. the wants the elude my grasp.

complete me.

they do not touch the surface that is me.

you do. complete me.

Forgiveness/Freedom

2005-08-12T13:04:00.000+08:00

so she trembles at the candle light, hoping for relief at the sight of the bright beauty it emanates. feeling relentlessly cold at the surface skin shivering at the sight of thoughts, which permeate the soul saturating the aura with holes.

the icy wind howls at the window sill, as if to plead for acceptance and embrace while the rain knocks on the frosted glass. pupils dilated with the darkness encompassing the proximity of the room she built with her heart.

the melancholic sounds waves being spread into the air by the gramophone completes the scene in which she depicts from the depths of her imaginations. colouring the empty spaces with what little dreams she conjures through the chaos of nightmares that has been imposed on her.

she picks up the pencil that has been ridden with bite marks and slowly draws lines. lines which gradually appear to be words. and words slowly put together to form the sentence which bores her skull with passion.

forgiveness, is right where you faltered.

-

she tears the piece of paper and blows it from her palms to watch them gracefully float onto the wooden floor. in this, she sees the enlightenment of herself, and with this she feels the freedom within the solitude.

overwhelming love is only a mark of being humane; and with this, she exhales the hurt and begins to tear. tears filled with loss and hate and frustration.

as dawn in the distance breaks, her face denied of perfection before, is now with seen with closed eyes, and the hint of a smile at her luscious lips. the ice melting on the windows lets in a streak of sunlight. the torn pieces of paper, now together again, read,

you are free.

Bloodlines/Saviour.

2005-07-29T13:30:00.000+08:00

so the sketching is incomplete by the artist. she dawdles purposefully, aiding her hope for procrastination, leaving responsibility to linger on into the echo. Gazing upon damaged recollections with slight affection, to console the guilt.

maimed and cursed at for the inadequacy. yet playfully, she toys with their minds fully aware of the power and influence the unfinished product possesses. gracefully, she carves over the previously healed wounds.

blood trickles down her freshly cut wound on her bottom lip. she kisses the blade and slashes the canvas, leaving trails of blood. to no ones' astonishment, it spells out her desire. she lies there like a crumpled heap wearily, the warm taste lingering in her mouth.

despite the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and fear, the self confidence never leaves the realm, where her limitless potential is conjured. as she stands up gaining composure, she grabs the merciless blade; blood visibly dried upon its surface, and plunges it through her palm.

shrills of her voice is heard throughout the spatial volume that surrounds her. and yet she screams not in pain, but to realise that the time for her penance is at an end.

she draws the blade from its flesh encompassed home, and throws it towards the wall where it fastens itself. the blood trails paints the concrete wall leaving lines that represent the now severed veins that gush life. with this, she takes her brush, touching it on the trails, attempts to finish the portrait.

-

plagued by disturbed dreams, she arose as my saviour. while i remain the prince of desolute decadence and decay.

yet she is left in peace not, for she is chained down to prevent my release from my pandemonium of pain. she looks upon me for hope, yet i cannot provide so.

for i have the barriers of many. i tear at my own flesh to seek what i believe i am to possess.

she reaches out to me with ease, yet my hands are weighed down by the weight of millions, of thoughts and desires. i look to redeem myself in her presence, but am prevented by the devil, within me.

release me!

make me re live those moments. await my arrival. i will not leave.

in the rattles of the endless darkness, there is not life, but her.

Take my hand.

2005-07-01T06:00:00.000+08:00

and then there was one
who held hands and loved touch
stroked ear lobes to calm
stood shoulder to shoulder

and then there was one
who kissed with pleasure
who touched lips just to feel home
palms on shoulder blades to eliminate proximity

and then there was one
who sat from afar intent on watching
intimidated by the meeting of eyes
sketching a beautiful picture in time

and then there was one
who spoke outwardly, inwardly
studying her feet for an escape
while a musical played in her mind

and then there was one
who moulded into art itself
abstract of a perfectionist in action
yet remained oblivious to the other

and then there was one
whose mirror was imminent and essential
playing to even the little details of self indulgence
and claimed we, and meant i

and then there was her
who killed me with passion
who brought colour and beauty in speech
who loved with no limits
who kissed with love and touched with love
who lay beside me with no qualms
who perfected the art of talking, without words
who bit by bit tore away at my mind
who invaded personal space relentlessly
who guided the light towards me
who perturbs me infinitely

who aided me to transcend

who willingly danced me to euphoria.

now,

take my hand.

Lost.

2005-06-28T14:45:00.000+08:00

vile is her exterior
she shows to all
creeping to frighten
yet ever so demure

festing black debris surround her
pale white skin plays down her pretty
countenance of peace she emits
life of disarray and cold

deserted life and alleyway
her sanctuary of absent friends and family
oblivious, but purposefully, she is to the defect
it's obvious nothing is left

cul de sac are her eyes

lost in the serenity of her touch
lost in the song of her lullaby
lost in the calming of her lips
lost in the eternal peace of her desirable mind
lost in the alley, shes created.

lost.

in the alley, that created her.

Absolution.

2005-06-17T04:53:00.000+08:00

her hands firmly clasped against it
green stalk signifying the age
the inevitable moment arrives
as her blood trickles down her knuckles

painting the petals with her own
words going astray in time
amused she is with it
as the drops of dew dilute

i cup my hands in exasperation
saving every drop from contamination
they hit my palm a lighter shade
my tears reaching them as they do

it is as if she willfully paints my tears
smiling at my thoughtful frown
offering me existence unto her
inviting my mortal sin, of being

she eases the grasp on the stalk
as she eases her grasp on the sinner
she takes a step backwards as she smiles
and leaves me haunted by her

you stay kneeling on the dry ground
puddle of life in palms of thy hands
lost in the rippling of the moment
painting, once again, the path for another

she will remain timeless

the penance will be brought upon

beg the ground she treads upon,

for absolution.

Her eyes, her life, her plight, my wife.

2005-05-24T16:11:00.000+08:00

She is crumbling in my arms
the smeared mascara that runs in my veins
once vibrant, her hair is brittle
as she falls into me

there is an infinite place in her head
a place where she cowers in shame
where she is free of all blame
where it's perfect for death to play

her eyes have lost its faith
the truth her eyes have betrayed
the life of the living damned
she is forced to portray

as young as she has been
she has always been old
all the beauty in the world
she had tried to mould

gone are the ways she can be forgiven
gone are the days in which death is forgotten
gone are all the Mays' in which we anticipate June
gone, says He, the one with providence

She defies me, for i am daring.

2005-05-23T20:59:00.000+08:00

as far as i've gone
i haven't gone far
as near as you are
you always remain far

unfurling the crumpled paper to read the inevitable
yet she still looks at me softly
regret is fundamental to change
never for healing

gazing into the white screen of my movie

what is need? do i need you?

but why?

i've always returned to you
you've always waited for me
but, that was.

she wills me a look of defiance
i perceive what she conjures in restless dreams
she burns the code in me
she screams erratically

i dare you to
look at me
i dare you to
fall for me

i dare you.

all i have now,
is my will to be willed.

Memoir ice.

2005-05-11T16:00:00.000+08:00

Memories start to flow. Overflow. Aching is too much to endure. Pain is on the inside. Pain inflicted on the outside is just exterior, but on the inside, excruciatingly starts at the centre and it escalates to the outer side making you feel it inside your bones. Makes you want to break down so hard you couldn’t stand up anymore. Inhuman magnitude of strength needed to subdue oneself from losing control, from losing their mind improbable.

I can’t forget. I don’t want to, for you are tattooed to my soul. I beg the divine powers that hold me down, to loosen the barb wire tied around my chest, piercing my skin, to help ease the pain on my wings. Bleeding is draining away my life source. Pandemonic dreams made out of you is erratic and violent. Deluge of explicit moments in time in which I have supposedly spent with you is the omni-present movie etched into my brain. So much fear is imminent the moment it gets dark because I am afraid to close my eyes. I am afraid to shut the light because I am afraid to fall into that disturbing and deep slumber. I am afraid to sleep because I am afraid to delve into the familiar places in my mind. Only reason being the montage of torture has been set to replay.

I only want to hold you in my arms, see you smile, to run my hand through you're hair, to smell you, to caress your smooth skin, to run my fingers down your neck and gradually to your luscious bosoms. To make you feel that you're wanted. I desire your acquiescence for my ardent behaviour to even the slightest bit of you. I hope to tell you that you are loved so hard that if I loved you any more, my heart would stop from the strain

Everything in this world needs a source of life. A source, for never ending energy. Yet everything in this world has a limited source of power that only lasts for a moment in the chronological order. Everything human made that is. For God, has made the human life source never ending. He has made a life source to keep one moving for the entirety of his life till expiration. However, he has set limitations knowing humans are not humble creatures. The only possible way to survive in bliss is to find The one. The only life source known to man for healing hurt, sharing joy, living life, sharing death.

I had found that source of energy in you. Don’t tell me you can’t because you already have. My body had easily accustomed to the new energy surging through my veins. It depended on that very life source, which is now absent. The sudden absence of a lifesource kills anything that requires one. Now deprived of your aura, I am wasting away gracefully. Ten days, ten months, ten years. What is time when you wish it not? Do not mock my existence with your disappearance.

While you’re away, pray for me.

For my departure, from the human limitations.

Treason of tears.

2005-05-06T13:38:00.000+08:00

it has been some time a while ago
watching feet shuffle past
the rays of the sun shy away
cold wind is embraced in solitude

i am lost in my head
bleeding for a bosom bed
intent on suffering instead
gradually gaining on the dead

i have risen one too many times
they hurt me deeply, they wake me in my sleep
they rise above the flames while i am engulfed
left to burn in the overwhelming contempt

erratic nightmares pose as salvation
chaotic maze of dreamless dreams
the eyes are guilty of treason, with tears
left to accumulate excessively forming blood puddles

you'll be the first and last to know.

like a birth defect, twitching at the neck
rocking backward and forward on the cold floor
the fallacy of the fantasy is momentary epiphany
mumbling the last verse, "She'll never know."

are you mocking me?

i will be ignorant to the blind
i will smile at the stupidity of the intelligent
i will laugh at threats at my life
i will cry.

when you do.

Sweet beginnings.

2005-05-02T03:02:00.000+08:00

my soul still drifts
but now deprived of salvation
with no depth or dreams
giving it starvation

the endless journey
begins once more
as the days i try to forget
hit me harder than before

when will i ever
begin to fathom or learn
for the days i would spend with you
i longingly yearn

the days
have grown longer
the nights
have become darker

the tears
ease the pain
the dreams
were in vain

i've kept you so safely
in my fragile heart
so long it has been
we've been apart

i can't bear the strain
the pain
i stare blankly each day
my sanity wanes

you've left me like a cherry blossom
when the wind blows
why have you forsaken me
what have you chose?

She pleads.

2005-04-29T04:07:00.000+08:00

running my hand down her face
i attempt to peel away the desolation
i attempt to free the acrimonium
i attempt to solve the pandemonium

She pleads. you only attempt.

i watch her waste away
her lashes fall into the ashes
the devil is offered carte blanche
sifting through the evanescence of time

death. death. death.
like a prayer she utters under her breath
the angel covenant cries heresy
god denies her acquiescence

the caustic metal corrodes her skin
it cuts her veins mercilessly
severing the message intended
the slits gushing life continously

her tryst with the prayer is over
her beloved desire has been ensconced
lucifier attains the damaged soul
He watches on, unable to reply to the prayer

i am pleading while she is bleeding.

He is still unable, while she, i still cradle.

Touch.

2005-04-18T19:22:00.000+08:00

she lays there not flinching
gazing into the white above
seeing through the boundaries
blue eyes brightening with every star shine

i look upon thy subtle movements
every inch to a whole
in every inch some space to mould
your fingers beckoning my sense of touch

slow breaths to taste my smell
her hair flowing down amidst crystal water
invoking envy, sides of the luscious silk
privileged to savour her material skin

i frown at your simple innocence
is the world only found within this?
does the world only revolve in this?
does eternity call for me so quickly?

she looks up and rests her eyes upon me
she studies me intently, and exhales her apprehension
from her embracing realm she brings to light
petals of white and petals of colour

i admit to its glowing resonance
i submit to her graceful acceptance of me.

the piano plays a beautiful sound
but be deceived not,
beautiful, is she, whose touch is gentle

Rays.

2005-03-25T01:35:00.000+08:00

the heavens opening with benevolence is seen with much epiphany after the wintry interlude. fear is set ablaze by the seemingly endless amount of energy in the rays. the clouds part leisurely as if to minutely depict the calm you would gladly accept with open arms. revolving is the earth but blessed by the rays of birth it is bathed in. shining on us it will remain our only hope of repent. atone for your sins exile. thy imprudence would prove to be your downfall. gain knowledge of the proper meaning and then step forward. gaze up into the portal to your new realm. it wouldn't matter if you went blind for a split second. hold you hands towards it and welcome the aura replenishing moment with grace. for that momentary pause in the time line, everything is blurred out of vision and the reflex is to focus. then you will see what you've needed to see. the entirety of your life has been summarized for you in a spot. it becomes clear now the presence of whom in your lives is worthy of your energy. the pertinence of life itself is still unclear. worry not, if He had intended us to know this, we would know this by now. wishing for golden streets and praying for the blind man to see is never worthwhile. if the streets were gold, where would the colour be? if being blind was really an obstacle for the blind man, then how come he can see better than you? he doesn't see what he doesn't. he sees what he has to. if only all of us have the ability to harness and take charge of the limitless untapped power and dynamism we have in our inner sanctum. forget what and when of life but how. souls were always lost when they forayed into the realms. they couldn't find the answer. the answer lies in you. as for the people that were lost in battle, they aren't here anymore. they have been summoned for to a better place to serve the rest of their purpose. concentrate on your purpose because they have forgotten you. they have. the reign of the king is never ending. His power lies in your power. His authority is your authority. He commands you accordingly. the only King whose command to you is your freedom. He is like the rays of the sun. everywhere.

Choice of path.

2005-03-18T04:08:00.000+08:00

stroll along the gravel
gusts of wind remind you
epiphany is your feeling of love
smiling and blushing

look out the window
useful only for what it can do
a medium for the experiences
for its the only way to see the world

gaze at the length of the line
ponder a moment for it leads you
for you it has always been an unknown
risk it, abandon the apprehension

not blindly, not foolishly
seek the light and the truth
foresee craters in the road
forsake the hearsay of the faceless

for you see, i am at the end
waiting at the extremity of the distance
still watching the amaranth rose
its petals ravaged by the raindrops and the cold

it rests upon icy fingers
held out in reach of you. only.
place your hand gently, on its stalk
encompassed in icy shards of time

no.

still.

there is still warmth.

solely within the rose.

Alone.

2005-03-13T22:09:00.000+08:00

personal
daily life plagued by them
makeshift love and hate to play
struggles are worth the struggle

if time permits,we shall talk again
as the times when i'm alive
grow nearer to the day in which death is imminent

always alone in thy world
solitude is the creators wish
it is my gift of second nature
envy me, i am blessed with bliss

why should you be afraid?
for all of you is not alone
why should you think of yourself?
for all of me is alone

bask in thy austerity
conjure your own aegis
may i be your avatar
my desire is to be the one,

to perish, before you.

fear not dear maiden
lay all the world on my shoulders
worry not if you hear my bones crack
i will not fold just yet

i have much to tell you
alas the language i possess
as much as you can fathom
i remain bounded by my knowledge

hide yourself away
curl up into my chest
feel the sensations forming
tell me that i won't feel anything

to you, i have been waiting
to the mirror, who are you?

Feel it, rain on me.

2005-03-13T22:07:00.000+08:00

it falls from the sky so gently
tiny diamonds of pure truth
each one with a story of its own
each one with a journey to fulfill

empowerment from our infinite resource
its is a pity that not many know
for it is natures way for rebirth
replenshing each organism aiding it in its cycle

halt your routine order
a moment held in an eternity
giving birth to an eternity
filled with limitless moments

listen to the silent notes
its sound so melancholic
in every drop a poetic piece
in every piece a piano solo

sadness in happiness
happiness through sadness
tear with it if you wish
there is never an emotion complete without it

such is its versatility
it ushers in tears of joy and pain
some may seek to avoid such pain
some may seek to be reminiscent through it

forget the realm in which emotions manifest
let it pull a veil over reality
let it cleanse the impurities
for it will, with no obligation

seek it and it shall seek you
dance to its music and it will dance with you
emotionless, it will never shun you
fearless, it will never judge you

feel your wings emerge from within you
feel them get drenched in heavens blessings
feel time slow to a stop
feel shivers down your spine from the cold
feel the wind freeze the moment
feel your thoughts go swirling

salvation is attained
all is not lost, but forgotten
it is as it should be
if not, it will be

Secret garden.

2005-03-01T00:50:00.000+08:00

creeping into the vision
its smell repugnant and vile
scanning the palace for its source
draining the energy and electricity

it's no surprise though

yet people are oblivious to the obvious
it's feeding on your contempt and your ignorance
enlarge your eyelids and look, for a change
release your hate and embrace reality
play no more on your naivety
don't expect
it doesn't happen anymore

your body is a secret garden
and there is only one rose

its stalk encompassed in thorns
remember why the thorns are present
it will only prick a passer bys hand only if you protect it
its picking beckoned only, by the one
it's enticing to let the fragrance influence

take note
fragrance doesn't last forever

let it wither and pass on naturally
cast it in stone do not
for it will destroy the remaining humanity within you
let the innocence of a newborn renew you
let it remind you of the inner sanctum that resides in you
the chapel of infinite beauty

the only place with limitless space but confined by emotions
control them, and you would have taken the first step into the establishment
the only place where you, and only you, are allowed to enter
the only place where you, is imminent and inevitable
the only place where you, are both god and belzebub
the only place where you, can be you, and that will always be perfect

you, are the heart and soul
the garden is guided by your good deeds and your sins
nurture it, and it will prove to be your sustenance

love. you.

Choice.

2005-02-24T14:20:00.000+08:00

leave and thy leaves fall
hit the ground they will
only to be returned to thyself

we are but two rain drops on stained glass
rolling down, leaving two seperate trails
only to move closer to each other
uniting at one precise moment

everyone has precise moments
blatant and obvious to the naked eye
choice enlivens the moment
only to be let down by fear

hear the echoes of the sages
the luminous presence encompassing the immaterial
hear them say, "choice, child. choice."
choice. all of it. burdened by choice.

you named them freedom
you caught them blowing into wind chimes
you are rendered choiceless by them
now,
you are enslaved by freedom

Worth a while but worth your while?

2005-02-23T03:32:00.000+08:00

i can only offer
the walk in the country side where the leaves fall
the walk by the lake with ducks
the moonlit strolls along the path that was forgotten
to lie down on a tattered mat and gaze at midnight diamonds
the hills saturated with wind that they make the long grass sway
the song that i sing which does'nt hit the notes
my words i use to serenade the pages of my book of you
the years left for my heart to beat
my listening to hear your every minute of your wretched life
my eyes to undress you at the very thought of, you
my lips for you to suck my breath away and leave me in peace
my touch as i caress to the threshold of my sanguine pleasures
the blood red roses that bloom at that very moment they see you

a strand of your fringe to imagine it dance in the wind
your raiment to keep your smell fresh in my veins
the promise of fidelity in your adoration
to stay careless but stop being callous
to be not alarmed towards my ardency

look at the shards of ice that surround me
my heart takes the shape of a rose
drops of dew complete its state
its glamour slowly fading
once amaranth, its been long since

i've fought many wars
and won all of them
but they remain, pyrrhic
tell me.

was it worth your while?

Waltz.

2005-02-15T01:21:00.000+08:00

her fingernails are purposefully painted black
her sensuous lips are of the same shade
she draws dark circles around her eyes to drown them in it
the eyebrow piercing to further take away your attention from them
the pale white emanating from her face to force disgust
she adorns a flowing dress that reminds you of a shadow
the sleeves long it covers all of her
she hides her soul in fear it may be noticed
shes knows beauty
shes knows she is beautiful

her quick steps hide her sway of her curves
but she doesn't
shes talks with much wit
but she doesn't
a smile that would put pearls to shame
but she doesn't

she's afraid to shine
but she's afraid not to
but i see, so clearly

the elegance oozes from her
shes sits there sipping on arbot mist
diagonally across is where i am
watching her every notion in its intensity
she caresses the mouth of the glass and silently listens to it hum
with this she draws a slow breath
as if to taste the essence of the earth
she closes her eyes and begins humming a tune

a tune so calming
a lullaby to ones spirit
visualize the heaven in its serenity
the music resonating from the plucking of strings from an angels harp
or however you see gods place to be
i follow as the music takes the lead
i can't help myself but close my eyes and envision the waltz
where shes takes my hand and leads me into the age old form of expression
we are one, almost literally

sensuality. sexuality. morality. duality. equality.
she has spoken to me, without words
without expression
without thought
with music

but there is sadness
there is no harmony
the love in the sound is disturbed
i open my eyes to see nothing but tears
mascara smeared down her cheek
she catches my eye but she doesn't move
she doesn't mind my presence
she gazes at me with longing for closeness
i walk over and we embrace like we've known
like we've seen
and then i hear the cries
of sorrow and of hurt
of pain and of love
and i stand there and it was forever and one
forever and none
but still i stand
still we stand
and it has met its end
for her. and for my wife.

Bloodshed.

2005-02-06T22:47:00.000+08:00

close thee eyes and picture that thought
transcend the physical limits and float
forget material boasts and forget time
remember the moments that somehow bring bliss

remove the limiter that prevents the higher level
call out to the angel to untie it for you
the velvet ribbons securely holding you
only time will heal the limbs for you to leave

its sadistic ways are coming to an end
novocaine isn't required to keep it at bay
soon the barriers will be broken
the shadow no more a potrait of hurt

her bosoms are the giver of life
but the giving is by her
her wings are still contained
bleeding from the excruciating pain

she meditates to relieve the piercing love
she can hear the sadistic laughter from him
his eyes transfixed in her pained countenance
this is his sanguine pleasure

fingers caressing her neck slowly
with a devilish grin he touches the place
her sentient nipple to see her wince
his hands now progresing to her inner thighs

the heat, her heat, is resonating
shes is in pain, secretly it is what she wants
he plays with her emotions for a slight
he rubs against her slit just to tease

he puts more pressure and his finger starts disappearing
its wet and he smiles at the back of her neck
he pushes harder to feel her insides
he leans her on his chest and violates her fully

she screams and he perversely makes her suffer
purposefully testing her limits
he forces the womanhood from her as she wets herself
he slows to a stop. now breathing hard

rolling down her cheeks are the god given silent emotions
he sees it and the devilish grin returns
he licks the tears and smiles
and whispers in her ear the contempt he has for her

he pushes her away from him and leaves her lying on the ground
he walks away into the shadows, disappearing
shes lays there in pain, bleeding from her insides
the roses now stained. bloodshed. hurt. pain.

Piano.

2005-02-05T02:09:00.000+08:00

closed eyes and heightened hearing
the harmonious essence of the chords vibrate in the air
every note hitting an amount of remembrance
resonating in the ears as music
sitting by the fireplace and that warmth
the touch of velvet at the feet
the comfortable armchair as your only confidant

the smell of vanilla in the air
burning candles flicker with every breath
the feel of velvet in your palms conjure peace
weight forgotten, your only adornment, a silk robe
dimly lit hall with not so much as a whisper

english tea on a silver tray
chocolate muffins to savour the day
tinkling of cutlery as the muffins are slit
almost sculpting a whole new view
the elizabethan ceiling decor is complete in itself

the vase has luscious red roses
they have been waiting for you
its been ages and still they await you
ever so patiently
gorgeous to admire
mimicking your countenance

yes i see the cobwebs
but i choose to
i choose la vie en rose

Moment of fun.

2005-02-05T01:34:00.000+08:00

immersed in this private personal solitude,
i am overwhelmed by your presence
i am overcome by the sight of your silhouette
your aura forces my heart into trauma
go on, speak. speak.
speak now or forever hold your tongue.
glancing eyes meet, heart abalze
don't shy away. don't sh.. too late
like a gust of wind on a hot summer's day
she came like a flash. libertaing.
and left me feeling overheated
she was gone.
hmm.
dream on casanova..

Words of god.

2005-02-05T01:20:00.000+08:00

no matter how modest you are
no matter how inculpable you are
untarnished and good. pure and warm.
definite and distinct. chiselled and straight.
the list can increase in its continuity.
yet you will never suceed
you will never acquire her because she will never want you
she does not desire you. so far you've come and yet you fail again
the confusion does not lie in her wants.
it lies in you. you are unsure of what you desire.
you don't know the way and no one is showing it to you.
how long can you look into the mirror just to make yourself look
nice?
now, define nice.

you are stained and ugly and no one wants you
the mirror lies to you. it tells you what you dont want to see.
forget the hurt and the mending.
damage done is there and will not heal
it is in the pain that you grit your teeth and lunge forward
void the abyss and look closer to where you leap
only then would you have learnt, honesty
be honest. people believe the words of god are found in pages of white
if so, then those words are honest. it helps you believe
now, imagine honesty in yourself. be honest to yourself, about yourself.
be honest.

its not about you. its not always about you.
open your eyes and look. listen carefully.
the world revolves. everyday. not around you.
you are not special to them. but you can be, for yourself.
you do not exude beauty to them. but the mirror sees it.
the show of passion is not visible to them. but you can be.
you can lie to them. but not to the reflection.
study it. pass the test. and then you will see.
the true brilliance of the beautiful colours. only then.

Envelope my being.

2005-01-26T02:40:00.000+08:00

among the heavenly white clouds
the place where dreams are made
manufactured for each living soul
to make sleep less of a burden

in this private solitude you are made for me
you have been sent to me, for me
you call everyday and i await your call
you tell me you love me everyday and i await your faults

these imperfections are what i need
the spontaneity is what i seek
the endless pondering on how we would be
as i keep reminding you how i feel

you have told me we are worlds apart
and you don't believe that wretched heart
but you forget there is only one world
and you and i are only one

so let the music keep playing
let the passion keep burning
let the poetry keep flowing
let the beauty keep showing

and while the record keeps spinning
we shall float in air as light as feathers
floating in pairs as we waltz together

i anticipate sleep just to think of you
i anticipate thoughts of you just to dream of you
i anticipate dreams of you just to sit with you
i anticipate sitting with you just to be with you

you could tell me you hate me but au contraire mademoiselle

now. now matters. only now.

i will climb the peak of those 2 flights of stairs
i will sit and enjoy arbot mist, if it is in selection
if you aren't there, you will be and there are two glasses
overtaken by emotion you will sit on my lap
and i will hum a silent tune when the tears tell they're own

now, it is now.

Duality.. The Other Half Has Spoken..

2005-01-23T02:58:00.000+08:00

tell it not in Gath. make me all yours
ending the day with my calves folded neatly.
on your thighs i rest my burden. don't move now.
i'm dozing off. your pen shall be your voice.
make no noise.

every weekend, my room will be lighted with frivolous candles.
in grandeur it'll be complemented with jazz and choir. wine.
every thursday i buy fresh roses to suck the smell out on such days.
i wish you are sitting in the corner of the room now.
take your pen and notepad. study me. watch me cry and understand my misery.
know my issues.

i am. there. look closely. the sudden flickers of the lights.
the sudden gusts of breeze. i am taking notes.
but i don't want to. i want you to sit on my lap and tear.
each drop will tell its own. i am. there.

maybe. perhaps i'm blinded. chalked by my tears.
my baby plush ducks are wet. roses losing its scent.
i still can't see you. wait a minute. the flames are dancing.
are you waltzing around me?

i await your clarity. i await you to find me in the mist.
i move with emotion and whisper with devotion. when you have found me, hold hands and slow dance.
i want to speak. say i am in love, deeply. you affect me and, the roses.
look at me. this damaged unknown. this vile, creature. this empty shell. look.

i kick the carapace in the gutter. your home is not that cursed shell but my bosom.
beneath the brassiere you belong. you are my moat monster.
the towers are tall. play a game. find me. my soul separates from my body.
you i'm longing for. my scissors leg are ripped open by chains of modernism.
don't be them. don't go there. don't hold your breath. i want to smell your exasperation.
candour and candid. the satan picks up a rosary. HE has spoken.
he said, "Belzebub, sell her your soul." i look inside the mirror and curse.
i want to be beautiful. like you. i want to be beautiful like you.

far away. long ago. i met a blind soul. i followed the trail but got lost.
i am still lost. but the place is paradise. i am introduced to art and unorthodox passion.
it blinds me. i met a blind soul which blinded me. with love, beauty, music, poetry.
i can't see the soul. but SHE is beautiful. i want to be beautiful. like her. i want to be beautiful. like you.

the other half has spoken.

what was said?

inaudible words. illegible actions. undying passion.

Bianca Zen & R.

Common..

2005-01-18T11:49:00.000+08:00

i read a piece. I felt and saw words of virginity and thoughts of intimate longings.
After every ellipsis was another to lengthen the train of
thought. i am narrow minded, it was suggested. i said
what i saw with honesty and i took it painfully. am i really? am i not
that intellectual who i deem myself to be? am i really
that simple and transparent? am i not special and do i
not possess talent? countless trains passed by and the
knot in my chest was not merciful. to comprehend that i
am just normal is hurtful. recognizing now that i know
not myself. i am lacking. i am not purposeful in this world. i have no self identity.
"know thy strengths and be wary of your weaknesses" this self pity is tiresome.
perhaps i am just mere common debris. deceived myself
enough. irony. because who have i deceived?
deceive thyself no more.

Silence..

2005-01-16T02:55:00.000+08:00

why? she kept asking me why?no reason. nothing. silence.it is not meant to deafen you.it was never meant to close you down.listening. i want to listen to you.i don't want to hear myself anymore. i don't want to talk
to my shadow anymore. i have heard you. i want to hear
you. sing for me. serenade my being. silence. don't say
no. don't fear me. don't run away from me.

you are ugly. you are hideous. you kill yourself
everyday. you are imprudent. you are daft. you are silly.
you are uninteresting. you are obnoxious. you are vain. you
are hateful. i hate you. you are not perfect. you never
will be. you are not perfect. please don't be perfect.

god don't make her perfect for me. not her.

you will take her away from me.
you always have.

Rant..

2005-01-09T02:10:00.000+08:00

trigger the angel in me you do
kiss away my demons and purify me
hold me and heal my exterior
hum a song and caress me to sleep

awake me and stare me to the bone
brush my hair and clear my mind
abolish uncertainty with a finger to the lips
chase away nightmares with whispers in my ear

clothe me and make me seem perfect
tilt my chin and overlook my flaws
lie on my chest and remind me i'm human
cry on my shoulder and let your tears be holy water

run your fingers down my spine
make me feel the epiphany of pleasure
bite my neck and mark your territory
sigh at my imperfections and laugh at my insecurity

talk to me even when im not listening
listen to me even when im not talking
embrace me into your ideal world
get lost in my tramp of compound
give birth a bliss montage

will you do this for me.

because i have,

i know you lie, but say you love me.

Silent night..

2005-01-04T19:50:00.000+08:00

Silent Night
the silence fades away
the darkness loses the fight over dominance
midnight diamonds lose the light
as the day wins over the night

satan's children find solace in dark and lucid places
places filled with dark thoughts and desolation
my existence is filled with these
prolonged days of pain in bliss

reaching for soothing thoughts
that might console the living soul
alas light doesn't tolerate the dark
the battle is lost even before it embarks

the ultimate being creeps over the horizon
illuminating the earth below it
lighting each crevice of darkness
putting an end to soulless dreams

the time of heaven's re-birth beckons
and all that is dark is almost forgotten
as fast as the light consumed the dark
oblivion begin as my life ends

End of the world...

2005-01-01T05:37:00.000+08:00

dwelling in my sickness
repeats of words that conjure suffering
realm of closeness surrounding depths
psalm of darkness

angelic beauty is withheld
faceless faith or open the bag of tricks
tamed myself of my wild side
by devouring my own wings

seeking solace in pits of nothingness
its flown away, my heart holds no life
no longer dreaming of dreams
slowly emerging, my wings of life
but bearing down on me, is my own scythe
its the end of the world

Obsession..

2004-12-29T03:51:00.000+08:00

celestial and complete with surrealism
yet incomplete and rough at the edges
perfect perfectionist at the loves
yet blind to the obvious

Lady Bliss

known for not long yet she does not know
i will always be him but you will always be you
you are she and you are her but i will always be that guy
countless speeches later i am still him

your aura wears thin and so does your patience
i try not to touch but my hands burn, if not
i try not to see but my eyes hurt, if not
i try not to speak but my soul talks, if not

in a room filled with smoke and the smell of solely, vanilla
Hazy mist swirling
candle burning relentlessly
pieces of paper everywhere
ink spilled and furious writing
she performs at her least but i try my best
thoughts of her but no thoughts of her
entertaining my mind is like bending over backwards

i shut my mouth and write to shut my soul
you talk too much. she talks too much. i hate you.
i hate you and i hate her but she hates me
i love you and i love her but you hate me
i obssess over bliss and possess nothing
i possess the words but she obssesses over another

possessed in obssession she is
obssessed over possession i am

Duet..

2004-12-27T04:30:00.000+08:00

When words become superfluous, you will just stare into someone's eyes and hum a tune. A song you heard in the radio but lyrics of it becomes fragment. In the humming, your soul just flew by mine. And i am still,
starin at you.

In the fragments you search for meaning.With too much to show i have nothing to say. I am still sitting here looking back. I feel the surge of connection,
as i stare back at you.

My hands are cold. The breeze is too strong. I rub against them and put them on your neck. Your eyes never,
never,
left the gaze.

I feel your warmth, a chill down my spine. I reach out to you, and hold your hand in mine.

Ouch. Can u feel the electric down our hands? Ouch. Your eyes they sting!

Pain. Can you see the electric run through my veins? Pain. Your eyes they sing.

I cant. The tears they fill my eyes.

Then don't see. Feel. Put your hands on my chest. Feel my heart beat. Feel my heart bleed. For every tear shed, pierces my heart, an icy shard..

Utter..

2004-12-26T21:02:00.000+08:00

i envy you
envy, for i want to be loved as i love you

i hate you
hate, for i want to be hated as much i hate you

i love you
love, for i want to love you as much as i can

love love love..

i don't even know the meaning

someone tell me
someone help me
someone hold me
someone sold me

Shower..

2004-12-26T20:54:00.000+08:00

the smoke swirling as my presence
acknowledging the fact that it was no dream
distant sounds of water
pitter patter mimicking the beating of my heart
the dim candles, my only source of light
i followed them in curiousity, excitement filling my every crevice
seeing someone i slowed down sweet selling cinnamon and vanilla essence fills my nostrils
fills my lungs, fills my blood, fills my soul
my gaze caught in a cocktail of beauty and innocence
you had seen me

i advance feeling closeness and the need to be home
hair wet and droplets of water rolling down you
emotional and mental barriers forgotten as i see you naked
feeling light, my clothes come off and i see you with arms wide open
i stand, naked and barrierless in front of you
i stand, emotionally filled with a need to bond
i feel the warm water hitting my body and i feel tranquility, instantly
the view of you naked in front of me makes me think of love but makes me feel coquettish
you embrace me and we stand there under the flow of the therapeutic warm water
intertwined bodies that are damaged but in the process of reconciliation i realise i love you so much that if i loved you anymore, my heart would stop from the strain

smooth skin at my touch
foreplay of lips on neck
i put my face slightly afar from yours
you can hardly look at me now
shying away enhancing my playfulness
i kiss you on your lips
slowly, to prolong that feel of that shiver down your spine
i hold you close, failing in my attempts to fight my hard on
but cheekily blissful, as i know soon we would bond

When you were there..

2004-12-06T15:34:00.000+08:00

with epiphany
i welcome you to my graces.
of english literature and poetry.
serenade me, more.
should you choose not to..
knock down the pristine halls in my chapel i have built for you..
are you real?
were you real?
blessed i am to be able to still call out to you spiritually.
but am i really blessed?
no. not now. not here. not anywhere.
curse me. make me see clearly.
should you choose not to..
should you?
i shall leave you with my hurt and the aftermath of my devotion..
fall i have.
but not predicting it would be a pit.
that will prove my demise.

everyday is not a livin prose. your drama sketch proves me tire
im tired
hush now
troubled are you?
im spiritually there. may not be there when you need me but your storyline is in the pages of my notebook
i am tired
the curtains have fallen

i have no expectations of you.
do not mistake my words for my needs of you.
i share my words with you because
no one else would be worth them
but you.
i had no intention to impose them on you
just mere connection.
tired are you..
then rest you shall
for i shall have nothing more to say.

When you didn't answer..

2004-12-06T10:18:00.000+08:00

This silence is the demolition ball brought upon the chapel in my heart that i have built around you.. The mockery of my devotion is blasphemous. yet evict you from my pristine hall will prove to be my undoing. why such an act i predict should come true. and yet the surging feeling of connection still lingers to thy ethereal aura and being. Still blessed i am to be able to call out to you spiritually. but is it really a blessing? were you really for real?

Beginnings...

2004-11-23T15:40:00.000+08:00

First post. Exciting. Exhilarating. Not. Confused. Help. Gone.